just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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