And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
