hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
