I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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