Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
