Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
