i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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