You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
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I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
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Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed