i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
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hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN