He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!