Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
