i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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