Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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