It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
