Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
