I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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