I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
