I cockslap morals
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
false alarm, still single
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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