I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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