Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
