Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
