I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
