I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
