well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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