I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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