So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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