His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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