dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
