I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
