come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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