i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
