There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
