You're my little dorito
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
