I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
