What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
