I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
