i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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