Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
