time to smoke my breakfast
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
