Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
