He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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