I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
