I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
