when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
