How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
