I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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