Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize
