I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you had me at cake vodka
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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