Pappa wants mamma naked
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You pole danced in your parka.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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