I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
