im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
