I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
