This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
