so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
