The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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