I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
