hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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