i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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