I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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