I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
