You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
